The last few days seem to have been about making lists; both actual lists and those in my head.
There are lists of:
- People to tell
- The order in which to tell them
- Things I will need for this journey
- Questions for the medical team
- Questions for those in support groups who have ‘been there; done that’
- Preparations I need to make
- Bible verses
I actually like that last list.
One Lent, I decided that instead of the traditional ‘giving up’ of something, I would do something positive. I chose to read one chapter from the Bible every day as the first thing I do. I don’t think I’ve skipped a day since; and if I have, I read more the next day. I enjoy this time reading God’s Word. And now I have bits of paper sticking out of my Bible because I’ve found a verse or a paragraph, or a whole chapter that really spoke to me. But now I’m collecting verses in a list on my phone. Some came from my reading, and one came from a blog post I read. It will be nice to have those verses to refer to when I’m feeling bad.
Or, let’s be honest… when I’m feeling sorry for myself.
My faith is strong, but I am human. I am weak and imperfect. I will be afraid even though I know the Bible tells us “be not afraid,” “fear not,” and “do not fear.” Why? because I’m human and I need Jesus. I need Him to wrap His loving arms around me. I need Him to give me the “peace that surpasses all understanding.”
I need Him to remind me – and will need that reminder multiple times I’m sure – that:
“I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
On a more practical note, I’ve joined two support groups on Facebook and asked a few questions. I’ve decided to allow a family member to tell the rest of our family so I don’t need to tell everyone everything over and over again. I’ve created a Caring Bridge site so I can share once and they can all read it. And I’ve decided on a time to tell my kids. It’s not an ideal time; and it’s not going to take place in an ideal setting. But hey, cancer isn’t ideal.
The most important thing is that I’ve arranged for some support after I tell them; and I’m going to just allow them to process this information as best they can with support in place. Whether they feel the need to cry or yell or ask questions, or however they’re going to take this news, there will be someone else – who is not me – to help them. But they will also know that I will be honest with them and answer their questions. I will laugh with them and cry with them. I will give them space and I will hug them. And most importantly, I will love them.
Whatever happens, wherever this journey takes us; they will know that I love them. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
See all posts on my breast cancer journey here.